Cohabitation with Parent Working Except for Incontinence Battles
Dear Carol: My mom has lived with us for several years and it’s been going pretty well up to now. Her dementia is worsening, which we expected. What we didn’t expect was to have so much trouble managing incontinence. This seems like a small thing when we consider the many challenges of dementia care, but with help from a geriatrician, I’ve learned how to respond to most situations in the recommended manner (most of the time). Except for the incontinence problem. Mom’s ruining the furniture with her need to be “independent” and none of the tricks that I’ve learned are helping. If the mess were confined to the bathroom, it wouldn’t be so bad, but she will sit on a chair to pee, apparently thinking she’s on the toilet. She wears pullups, but she doesn’t change them when they are wet and leaky. Worse, she angrily fights my offers to help. I admit that I’ve sometimes responded in anger and that’s wrong, but I’m human. Any tips on getting her to cooperate? – TG
Dear TG: I’m glad that you recognized your own humanity so that you, hopefully, aren’t too hard on yourself. Incontinence is far from a small issue under these circumstances.
You already know that arguing will not work with someone like your mom, nor will presenting logic. This is because her damaged brain has left her unable to process information correctly, therefore her reality is most likely going to be different than your reality. For this reason, telling her that her incontinence pad is leaking and she needs to change will likely be met with confusion or worse – anger and resentment.
