On July 4th and Beyond, Honor Your Elders’ Need for Independence
Although we may not think about it in these terms very often, a person’s dignity and identity are often tied to their independence. As advancing age and health conditions affect a loved one’s ability to follow through on tasks they have always mastered and enjoyed, the feeling that life is worth living can fade. One of our many responsibilities as family caregivers is to encourage activities that contribute to our loved ones’ feelings of self-worth while also prioritizing their safety.
This is admittedly a fine line to walk. How do we, as caregivers, balance independence with the obvious need for assistance and supervision? If you’re in doubt, it’s generally best to err on the side of encouraging more self-reliance rather than less. Striking such a balance can be difficult, but there are some methods for reconciling both these crucial needs.
Protecting a Senior’s Dignity and Identity
As an example, for many older women, family gatherings have often been a large part of their identity. They may well remember the celebratory meals that their mothers and grandmothers prepared years ago. It is likely that they hope their family will also recall their meals on special occasions long after they are gone. But these preparations can be trying and grow increasingly difficult over the years.
To preserve an elder’s role in these gatherings and lighten their responsibilities, other family members and guests can offer to bring something to the celebration, or, better yet, join Grandma or Mom as she does what she can to prepare for the upcoming festivities.
Watch to see if she struggles with any of these tasks. Should something seem too difficult, ask if she’d like some help. Listen for subtle indications during casual conversation that hint your assistance is needed. For example, she may mention in passing that using the electric mixer has become difficult due to the arthritis in her hands. That’s your cue to suggest an easier recipe or offer to do the mixing while she covers all the other steps in the original one.
As our elders face increasing physical or cognitive challenges, see if you can gradually shift gatherings and celebrations to your own home. In my family, my mother took over from my grandmother, and eventually I took over from my mother. It was all very gradual, though. My mom didn’t barge into grandma’s kitchen one year and declare she was making Thanksgiving dinner or announce one day that holidays would be taking place at her home moving forward. She let the duties shift in a tactful way that allowed her own mother to retain her dignity and continue feeling useful. I tried to do the same for my mom.
Encouraging Hobbies and Self-Reliance
People have their own unique ways of cementing their legacy. Typically for older men, it involves preparing for holidays by hanging decorations, setting up the grill, or playing Mr. Fixit around the house. It’s harsh to ban an elder who enjoys fixing things from their shop or garage simply because there is some danger of injury. Yes, you may have to insist that the power saw is off-limits. But if Dad hits his thumb with a hammer, it’s not likely to cause a life-threatening injury. Compromise is key. Try not to limit activities that provide a sense of purpose unless there truly is no choice.
While it’s commendable for a caregiver to want to keep their loved one safe, it is all too easy to go overboard by demanding that they give up an activity or hobby that poses risks. The associated personal loss when purposeful activities cease usually far outweighs the increase in “safety.”
Encourage safety measures and, when necessary, remove extremely dangerous tools or equipment. But don’t take away your loved one’s pride and dignity. Work together to adapt tools and activities to be less risky. Offer to supervise or handle the more hazardous steps…
Continue reading on Agingcare for more about an older person’s need for independence:
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Support a caregiver or jump-start discussion in support groups with real stories – for bulk orders of Minding Our Elders, e-mail Carol Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.
“An inspiring read for caregivers! Minding Our Elders is a series of stories about caregiving. But it is much more than that. It’s a book that helps us view aging and community through the lens of someone well versed in eldercare. Author Carol Bradley Bursack has been a caregiver for a neighbor and six elderly members of her family. These experiences made her the perfect person to interview and share the stories of friends and acquaintances. Through crisp writing and a sharp focus, we enter the lives of those struggling to care for loved ones with dementia and other age-related illnesses. As I read Minding Our Elders, I felt myself filling up with both appreciation and admiration for those who adopt the caregiving role. In addition, I was struck with the inherent value Carol sees in our elders. This is a well-written book that will stir your heart!” …Ann C