A Common Caregiver Confession: “I Secretly Wish My Ill Loved One Would Die”
Every so often, someone on the AgingCare Caregiver Forum will admit that they secretly wish the person they’re caring for would pass away. Often, this person is sick, suffering and difficult to care for. The caregiver merely wants to have their life back and see their care recipient’s pain and low quality of life come to an end. Of course, those who admit to having this dark thought wonder if that makes them a terrible person. Being a family caregiver is fraught with countless difficult emotions, and this is perhaps one of the hardest to grapple with.
New Caregivers Are Driven By Love and Hope: Most of these caregivers are decent folks who care deeply about their elderly parents, spouses and other loved ones who require their assistance. As so many of us do, they have taken on the responsibility of caregiving out of love. Our help is needed, so we jump in without a thought. We have no idea that this role could last for years or even decades. It doesn’t occur to us that this decision could jeopardize our relationships, our careers, our health or our finances, but that is the reality for most.
Many families are suddenly thrust into caregiving when a loved one experiences a medical setback or receives a serious diagnosis. Everyone goes into crisis mode. This person can no longer live alone safely, but nobody wants them to move to a long-term care facility—at least not yet. So, a family member steps up or is nominated to be the primary caregiver.
Everyone is on an adrenaline high while making these decisions, but eventually reality sets in. The primary caregiver, usually an adult child, is left alone as other family members go back to their lives. They are left to manage kids, possibly a marriage, a career, hands-on care, doctor’s appointments, medical bills and so much more with little or no help.
The Impact of Long-Term Caregiving: As the caregiver’s relationships with friends and family continue to deteriorate, they likely yearn for the past, grow to resent the present and look toward the future with skepticism. There is no way of knowing exactly how long caregiving will last. Sadly, any improvement in a senior’s condition is often short-lived. There are certainly ways to lighten one’s responsibilities…
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. “I hold onto your book as a life preserver and am reading it slowly on purpose…I don’t want it to end.” …Craig William Dayton, Film Composer
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