A New Year Calls for a New Attitude Toward Caregiving
How long has it been since you’ve distanced yourself from caregiving long enough to decide what is good for you? When was the last time you had a guilt-free break from the needs of others? Have you sought out help recently so that you can take some time to recharge and rediscover yourself?
If you haven’t been making yourself a priority over the last year, you’re not alone. Most caregivers face countless mental, financial and logistical hurdles when it comes to participating in self-care. But, the new year is upon us, which is the perfect time for taking inventory of our lives, pinpointing some changes we want to make and adjusting our attitudes to help us see these things through. Changing how you approach your caregiving responsibilities doesn’t mean that you love the person you are caring for any less. To the contrary, changing your mindset can actually be a clear indication of the depth of your love.
What Would Your Elder Want for You? Let’s face it, our care recipients are often very demanding. After all, they are most likely in frequent emotional distress and/or physical pain. Add to that the fact that they are losing the ability to make decisions about their own life, and you’ve got a crabby person on your hands. This does not mean that your elder doesn’t care about your welfare. It just means that their ill health and age-related losses are preventing them from focusing on anything other than their own misery.
Try to think back to who your care recipient was before they became so difficult. What did they envision for you? What hopes did they have for you and your life? Surely, they wanted you to be happy, healthy and successful. Take these things to heart and keep them at the forefront of your mind when you are making care decisions, because these choices affect you, too.
If you are caring for a loved one who has always been self-absorbed, manipulative or unsupportive, then it is time to carefully examine your relationship, your motivations for caregiving and your boundaries. This responsibility is difficult enough for people who have healthy relationships with their care recipients. Fear, obligation and guilt should not be factors in your day-to-day caregiving. If they are, then you need to take a step back and begin prioritizing your own health and happiness when it comes to setting goals and revamping your care plan for the new year.
Prioritize Self-Care Over Perfection: During the time when I was caring for several elders, I set a poor example of self-care for other family caregivers. While my parents were living in a nursing home, I would visit them every day on my way to work and once more in the evenings on my drive home. I’d make longer visits on weekends as well.
Several times the head nurse at the home told me I needed to take a day off, but I just couldn’t do it. I’d make all kinds of excuses, but mainly I just said, “They need me.” This was a facility that I’d visited nearly every day for over 15 years. The staff was excellent, they had my contact information memorized, they loved my parents and they treated them with great kindness. So why couldn’t I bring myself to take a day off now and then? It wasn’t because I didn’t trust the facility or their employees. I see now that my own attitude was what prevented me from taking better care of myself.
I can think back to one time when I was sick with the flu and couldn’t visit my parents for a few days. You know what? Everyone survived. They not only received the care they needed, but aside from a longer wait for a couple of frills, they really didn’t miss out on much. While unpleasant, this brief illness helped me realize that the world would continue turning…
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. “I hold onto your book as a life preserver and am reading it slowly on purpose…I don’t want it to end.” …Craig William Dayton, Film Composer
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