Setting Boundaries with Difficult Older Parents
When the family member we are trying to care for is critical, impossible to please or emotionally abusive, long-standing family dynamics are often to blame.
I’m not talking about caring for an elder who is suffering from chronic pain or who has little control over their moods and behaviors because of dementia. In those cases, it’s clear that we need the help of professionals to find a solution, like palliative care for symptom relief or a memory care unit that specializes in dementia behaviors.
What I’m referring to are children who, after a historically toxic relationship, are now in a position where they need to make care decisions for an abusive family member…
Yet, it is natural for adult children to love their parents and want to ensure proper care for them as they age. The little kid inside of us most likely still wants our parents’ approval. When we are denied that validation, even as adults, it hurts. If you had a difficult childhood and a troubled relationship into adulthood, how do you care for abusive parents without incurring additional psychological harm? How do you provide adequate care despite their ongoing criticism and abuse?
The Importance of Setting Boundaries with Toxic Parents
Many mental health professionals would suggest “detaching with love.” Detaching is a method of setting boundaries to protect yourself by creating emotional distance from the actions of another. According to the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, this technique was initially established by Al-Anon, a mutual support group for families and friends of alcoholics.
While detachment with love has traditionally been applied in situations where a loved one is struggling with addiction,
Continue reading on Agingcare for more about detaching from difficult or abusive older parents:
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. “For anyone having to walk the last segments of life with a loved one, read this.” …Delores
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