Supporting the Person with Dementia as They Are while Grieving What’s Lost
Dear Carol: My dad was my rock and was always there for his little daughter when I needed support, even more so after Mom died. Last year, he had a series of strokes, each taking another piece of him. He has memory issues from vascular dementia as well as aphagia, so trying to understand what he needs is heartbreaking. He receives good care in a facility, so the problem is me. I visit nearly every day, yet even through all these changes, I sometimes walk into his room expecting him to be who he was. I want him to remember what I told him about my son’s honor at school or expect him to respond to a story that would once have brought a laugh. This is unrealistic, I know, but I can’t seem to stop this reflexive expectation. He knows who I am when I visit, and that should be enough, but my heart hurts. How do I get so I don’t expect more than he can give? – SK
Dear SK: I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. If it helps, know that every one of us who has had a person whom we love develop dementia understands your heart. Don’t blame yourself for these expectations. You want him to be who he was so badly that you…
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