Hindsight Can Be a Blessing or a Curse for Caregivers
They say hindsight is 20/20. But things from the past that may seem “clear” to you now can still be distorted by difficult emotions—especially when it comes to something as impactful as caregiving. Now that you have some experience under your belt, imagine that you could go back in time. What would you say to your novice self about how to be a caregiver?
As a seasoned caregiver myself, I can choose to ruminate over my perceived failures, or I can choose to forgive myself for being imperfect and recognize that I did the best I could at the time. You have the same choice.
Much like an adult who realizes they have a “wounded child” living inside—a child who suffers from unearned guilt or low self-esteem because of life events—many adult caregivers are burdened with regrets and remorse from their caregiving years long after this role ends. They spend precious time thinking about how they should have understood someone’s needs better, could have been more patient or would have done any number of things better, if only they knew then what they know now.
The very people who take on caregiving roles are often the most sensitive to others’ needs. Caregivers take on responsibilities for others in an attempt to improve their health, happiness and well-being. But, let’s face it. Whatever we do as caregivers seems to be wrong in the eyes of some on-lookers. The critics are generally people without all of the facts and often people who could never do what we have done. Still, we are sensitive to their judgment.
We can certainly decide not to be bothered by this criticism. The problem is, we’re often unaware that we judge ourselves even more harshly and against much higher standards. This is particularly true in retrospect. The passage of time lends valuable perspective to life’s events, but we don’t always use this gift in the most constructive ways. Instead, we look back and beat ourselves up for slips (whether real or imagined) despite knowing that we were still learning the ropes, stressed out and/or spread too thin to do much better.
Countless members of the Caregiver Forum have expressed regrets and disappointment in how they handled aspects of their loved ones’ care. A common refrain is “I wish I had known/done/said…” or even “I wish I hadn’t…” However, in sharing these trials and tribulations, many are overlooking a few of their glaring successes as caregivers. Simply being here reading this article on AgingCare.com probably means you took to the internet one day in search of information on elder care and caregiver support. Educating yourself, researching your options and seeking out help are accomplishments that should be celebrated. These things are indicative of the type of caregiver you are/were and the quality of care you provide(d).
You accepted this role out of love (or possibly out of obligation), likely without the training or experience to cope with specific issues, so you made mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Move on.
Believe that if your loved one could be the person he or she was before they needed your care, you would be told, “job well done.”
Focus on precious moments rather than perceived mistakes. Reflect on tender times to…
Continue reading on Agingcare for more on hindsight – the good and the guilt-producing thoughts:
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An inspiring read for caregivers! Minding Our Elders is a series of stories about caregiving. But it is much more than that. It’s a book that helps us view aging and community through the lens of someone well versed in eldercare. Author Carol Bradley Bursack has been a caregiver for a neighbor and six elderly members of her family. These experiences made her the perfect person to interview and share the stories of friends and acquaintances. Through crisp writing and a sharp focus, we enter the lives of those struggling to care for loved ones with dementia and other age-related illnesses. As I read Minding Our Elders, I felt myself filling up with both appreciation and admiration for those who adopt the caregiving role. In addition, I was struck with the inherent value Carol sees in our elders. This is a well-written book that will stir your heart! …Ann Campanella
