Reconciling Grief & Relief When the Loved One You Cared for Dies
When my mother died in a local nursing home, my “career” of visiting this exceptional facility nearly every day for almost 15 years ended. Shortly after Mom’s passing, one of her nurses whom I’d become quite close with said to me, “We’ll still be seeing you up here. You won’t be able to quit.”
It turns out she was wrong on that one. However, my case is a little different from most, since I’d spent nearly two decades caring for multiple elders. Also, my role hadn’t totally ended—I still had a family member at home who needed my care. Yet the loss of a loved one brings on many different emotions. Some of these we expect, such as sadness or even anger, while others can take us by surprise and leave us feeling conflicted.
Understanding How Relief and Grief Can Coincide
Many of us start our caregiving journey by assisting an elder in their home or looking after a spouse in our own home. As their care needs increase, we explore sources of respite, such as in-home care and adult day care. Eventually, the move to an assisted living community, a memory care unit or even a nursing home may become necessary for everyone’s well-being. Regardless of where our care recipients reside or what supports and resources we use, we remain family caregivers. Many of us continue to see our loved ones on a regular basis, manage their care and advocate for them.
No matter how difficult or stressful caregiving becomes, we can wind up feeling lost once this job inevitably comes to an end. Our natural grief may even be accompanied by a sense of relief, especially if we cared for loved ones who suffered physically and/or mentally. Not everyone can admit feeling relieved, to themselves or others, because they are afraid…
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Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. An inspiring read for caregivers! Minding Our Elders is a series of stories about caregiving. But it is much more than that. It’s a book that helps us view aging and community through the lens of someone well versed in eldercare. Author Carol Bradley Bursack has been a caregiver for a neighbor and six elderly members of her family. These experiences made her the perfect person to interview and share the stories of friends and acquaintances. Through crisp writing and a sharp focus, we enter the lives of those struggling to care for loved ones with dementia and other age-related illnesses. As I read Minding Our Elders, I felt myself filling up with both appreciation and admiration for those who adopt the caregiving role. In addition, I was struck with the inherent value Carol sees in our elders. This is a well-written book that will stir your heart! …Ann Campanella
