Guilty Feelings Plague Caregiver after Harsh Response to Her Mother with Dementia
Dear Carol: My mother with dementia has developed a fixation on the silver she sold years ago, and she repeatedly accuses me of stealing it. Normally, telling her that it’s safely in storage is enough to move her on to other things. Last week, just after learning of my husband’s cancer diagnosis, I went to visit Mom as usual. When she started in on me stealing her silver, I snapped, saying that if she thought I was a thief, she’d better get a different caregiver. She looked devastated and mumbled that she was sorry. Mom is safe in her memory care. I should have stayed home and spent time adjusting to our news. She seemed to forget about the incident, but I can’t. I was terrible and I know it. How do I make peace with myself? – ML
Dear ML: I’m sorry about your husband’s diagnosis. We hope, along with you, that his treatment isn’t too lengthy and that it’s a great success. Taking care of people with dementia can present us with opportunities for almost superhuman patience and love. Your words describing your normal response to this repetitive accusation show that you routinely demonstrate all of this and more for your mom. Give yourself a ton of credit…
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“An inspiring read for caregivers! Minding Our Elders is a series of stories about caregiving. But it is much more than that. It’s a book that helps us view aging and community through the lens of someone well versed in eldercare. Author Carol Bradley Bursack has been a caregiver for a neighbor and six elderly members of her family. These experiences made her the perfect person to interview and share the stories of friends and acquaintances. Through crisp writing and a sharp focus, we enter the lives of those struggling to care for loved ones with dementia and other age-related illnesses. As I read Minding Our Elders, I felt myself filling up with both appreciation and admiration for those who adopt the caregiving role. In addition, I was struck with the inherent value Carol sees in our elders. This is a well-written book that will stir your heart!” …Ann C
