Coping With the Guilt after Placing Your Parent in a Care Facility
Guilt is one emotion that every family caregiver will experience at some point during their journey. When you take on responsibility for another person, there is an enormous amount of pressure to consider all factors and make the best decisions regarding their health and finances. Unfortunately, care decisions are rarely black and white. No one always makes the right call in every circumstance. Mistakes are part of human nature, but we do our best with the information and resources we have at the time.
One of the most contentious and guilt-inducing decisions that many family caregivers face is whether nursing home placement is in a loved one’s best interest. Even if a parent requires an intensive level of care and around-the-clock supervision—something that a caregiver is unable to provide singlehandedly—this matter is commonly accompanied by a sense of defeat. Ironically, if the decision to seek out professional help is also in our own best interest, then the guilt looms even larger.
A Caregiver’s Experience Placing Her Father in a Nursing Home
Members of the AgingCare Caregiver Forum frequently ask questions about nursing home placement and share advice and experiences with one another regarding this multifaceted decision. Anxiety and concern are two very normal reactions for a caregiver who is considering making alternative living and care arrangements for an aging parent.
When my dad first needed nursing home care, I worried about every aspect of his needs simply because he was so vulnerable. My uncle already resided at the same skilled nursing facility, so I knew the staff well and was confident in the care they provided. Yet, I was still fearful for the first few weeks after the move that Dad would not receive the kind of attention he’d grown accustomed to. I was afraid he would decline further without my one-on-one care.
I couldn’t stop wondering what more I could do. Why couldn’t I shake the feeling that I had let him down? Eventually, I had to learn to detach a little. I knew it was painful and impractical for me to be so wrapped up in each detail of his daily life. The facility was excellent. Dad was as okay as he could possibly be outside of his own home. His care was supplemented by several family members who visited regularly. At that point I decided that I had done my best arranging his care at the nursing home and that was enough.
Coping With the Guilt of Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
The guilt I felt initially and the lingering self-doubt that I carried with me are common emotional reactions for caregivers who are grappling with nursing home placement. For many, even considering the idea evokes deep feelings of shame and apprehension. These negative emotions should never be so all-consuming, though.
It takes time to come to terms with how ill a parent is and accept that they need a higher level of care. Working through the following realizations can help you ditch the regret, feel more confident about this decision, and focus your efforts on visiting as a son or daughter…
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Leslie Kernisan, MD, MPH, has opened up support! View two free caregiving webinars that can help you help your older parents (and yourself).
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories: “…This book is for all of us; let it help you cope! Thank you to the author and everyone she spoke with!” …Dolores
