What to Do When a Senior Refuses to Bathe and Change Their Clothes

The responsibility of providing care for an aging or ill loved one is a monumental challenge in its own right. But when a care recipient is domineering about how and when every single task is done, it’s bound to exasperate their family caregiver(s).

Maybe your controlling elderly mother demands that you keep her company around the clock, but she certainly won’t watch any of the television shows you enjoy. Your overbearing father might refuse to let you help him bathe, but there’s also no way he’ll ever let a professional bath aide set foot in the house. Perhaps your spouse complains constantly about the food you carefully prepare each day and the clothing you pick out for them every morning. You do all of these things out of love only to be met with disdain.

While your loved one’s negative attitude is certainly frustrating, it’s important to understand that an elder’s real and perceived levels of independence and control over their life are forever changed when they begin needing a caregiver’s help. Achieving a better understanding of what this overbearing behavior stems from could help you cope with their control issues and influence how you respond to their demands.

Dynamics of the Caregiving Relationship

Sometimes the difficult dynamics between a caregiver and a care recipient have been deeply ingrained for many years. If your elderly parent or spouse has always been the dominating personality in your relationship, it is likely that their behavior will only worsen as they get older and their health declines.

With some demanding elderly parents, an overly critical, authoritarian parenting style is handed down from generation to generation. The dynamic of a child trying to please a parent who can never be satisfied is so entrenched in the relationship that family therapy could be the only option for improvement. However, it is unlikely that family members would agree to come together for counseling this late in the game. With spouses, the dynamic may have developed over a shorter period of time, but it may still be difficult to set new boundaries and achieve a more balanced power structure. Couples counseling is an option that may yield results, but only if both parties are able and willing to participate.

Although it is not an excuse, analyzing your elder’s behavior in the context of family dynamics may provide some clues to the origins of their need for control. If this behavior is relatively new and has not been a pattern in your relationship, then it may be a fear-driven response.

Manipulative Behavior and the Indignities of Aging: As people age, they tend to feel a loss of control over many things, namely their independence. Our bodies weaken, often affecting our physical abilities and taking a toll on our mental health. Chronic pain may be a new reality. Some seniors lose the ability to walk…

Continue reading on Agingcare for tips about how you might get your older adult to bathe (with less fight):

Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.   “I hold onto your book as a life preserver and am reading it slowly on purpose…I don’t want it to end.” …Craig William Dayton, Film Composer

Support a caregiver or jump-start discussion in support groups with real stories – for bulk orders of Minding Our Elders e-mail Carol