Caregiver Guilt: How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Aging Parents
Get used to it – the guilt, I mean. The incessant phone call thing was just one of the many games I had to play as a dementia caregiver. When my mother would ring the first time, I’d answer, chat, and see how she was doing. The second time, I’d gently try to let her know that she had just called. The third time, well, sometimes it just seemed better for me to ignore it. I knew she would be embarrassed (or think I was lying, depending on the day) if I told her she’d called me three times in the last 15 minutes. It seemed kinder to just not answer the phone and let her forget that she called.
It is so hard to see our parents get older. As they become more physically and/or cognitively challenged, it’s only natural to wish we could take away their struggles. We can offer love and support. We can do our best to anticipate and meet their needs. But, we can’t take away the discomfort and indignities that come with aging. Family caregivers tend to be empathetic individuals, so seeing those we love decline pains us deeply. We feel we should do something – anything – to help, but our powerlessness results in unearned guilt.
Guilt does serve a purpose in life. If we are mean, then we should feel guilty. If we owe someone an apology, then we should be mature enough to extend one. But guilt is a complicated emotion. As family caregivers, we take on the expectations of our culture, our religion, our family. And then we take on the expectations of our toughest critic: ourselves. Negative thinking can easily become a damaging habit for stressed caregivers. Many of us wind up emotionally overwhelmed and feeling that we’re not doing this caregiving thing well enough. If we were “good” people, we’d just keep answering the phone endlessly until Mom found something else to do.
Much of this guilt is self-imposed, but there are instances where care recipients use their caregivers’ compassion to their advantage. Elderly parents are especially notorious for sending their adult children on guilt trips to get what they want when and how they want it. Although it comes from external sources, this is still a type of undeserved guilt that must be overcome. It, too, can run family caregivers down, contributing to feelings of anxiety…
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. “For anyone having to walk the last segments of life with a loved one, read this.” …Delores
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