Caregiving During the Holidays: Have a Realistic, Positive Approach
There’s an image of holiday perfection that our culture encourages. Starting with Thanksgiving, we are inundated with images of families happily enjoying each other’s company during an idyllic holiday meal. Most of us have childhood memories that feed this desire for Norman Rockwell-esque celebrations. Even those who didn’t have these picture-perfect experiences growing up often strive to create them with their own families.
However, few of us can measure up to the fantasy—caregivers least of all. The vast majority of advertisements, music and blockbuster movies sugarcoat the holidays and shirk the reality that most of us face. These images feed expectations that are simply impossible to meet.
Today’s “average” family is vastly different from those of the 1940s, 1950s and 1960s. These days, our families are often comprised of many generations, relations, races and creeds. For family caregivers, elders’ various health problems, care needs and living situations add to the complexities of bringing everyone together for the holidays.
None of these factors stops families from celebrating, though, and they shouldn’t. It’s just that we tend to carry memories of holidays past close to our hearts. We place a lot of pressure on ourselves to meet or exceed these high expectations, especially for the enjoyment of our youngest and oldest generations. If we don’t feel we’ve succeeded, we end up feeling guilty. In many caregivers’ minds, failing to meet expectations is failing, period. It’s time to turn this mindset around.
Celebrating Holidays as a Caregiver
My kids were fortunate to have their grandparents nearby as they grew up. Along with creating cherished memories with Grandma and Grandpa, however, they also witnessed their elders’ failing health. They remember dividing the holidays between visiting loved ones at the nursing home and celebrating at our house with those family members who could still manage to come over. Unfortunately, I’m sure they also remember my frantic struggle to meet the expectations of every generation with only limited success.
Each year after Thanksgiving, I would make my rounds, decorating each elder’s apartment or nursing home room, planning how we would split our time between the visits, and striving to meet everyone’s needs. The guilt over taking so much time from my kids ate at me. The guilt over my mother not having the Christmas celebration she so coveted ate at me. My mother-in-law did not seem to care, yet I knew that deep down underneath the dementia, she did. The frustration of trying to “celebrate” when my dad no longer knew what we were trying to do made me want to throw in the towel. Yet, to ignore or minimize this time of year seemed…
Perfect Holiday gifts!
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Stay connected with Memoryboard: Designed by caregivers. Memoryboard helps families share reminders, messages, updates, and photos on an easy-to-use screen designed for people with dementia. Peace of mind for families, independence for loved ones.
Leslie Kernisan, MD, MPH, has opened up support! View two free caregiving webinars that can help you help your older parents (and yourself).
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories: “…This book is for all of us; let it help you cope! Thank you to the author and everyone she spoke with!” …Dolores
