Imperfection Is Perfect: Cherish Your Messy Christmas as Unique and Precious
(Reprinted from my column “Minding Our Elders” – December 23, 2023)
Dear Carol: I can only imagine how often you’ve heard from caregivers over holiday angst, but you keep supporting us so I’m writing anyway. I’m swamped with daily life, let alone carrying out holiday traditions. My dad is in memory care, yet he still needs us to be with him during their celebrations. My mom is alone now, and somewhat impaired herself. My children have school events that I want to attend. My husband helps but can only do so much. I feel like I’ve made a slipshod job of everything, and our holiday celebration is a mess. Can you remind all caregivers that we’re doing all right under these circumstances? – EL
Dear EL: You might be reading this as we approach Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day, or sometime during the following week, but the sentiment holds: You’ve not only done all right; you’ve been a champ. Slipshod? I doubt it.
Caregivers already do double time with life. Add in holidays with their extra work and stress, and caregivers really scramble. Yet we do all we can to provide our families with a traditional holiday, and if we’re fortunate, even enjoy the season ourselves.
You might have had to cut back on your time with your dad, who is presumably well cared for in memory care, so that you can help your mom with her adjustment to his absence. Think about it. Even if your dad can’t understand, he’d still want you to do all you can for her.
Your kids? There will be holiday programs and special events to attend, and you’ve done that, too, or at least as much as you can. My own kids and my sister’s kids all learned early on that they sometimes had to sacrifice time with us or give up something they’d rather do because of the ever-growing needs of their grandparents. Still, we both made it a priority to attend our kids’ events and provide them with a (sort of) traditional home celebration, as well. Our older loved ones would have wanted that if they could have understood the logistics.
Caregivers and their families know that holidays will be different and traditions will evolve. Maybe once the extra demands on your time let up somewhat, you’ll return to the more complicated traditions of the past; maybe you won’t. You and your family will decide. Since caregiving in my family lasted for decades, traditions needed to evolve, and many have remained a simpler version of the past. Even now, every year is a little different due to family needs for flexibility, and that’s a good thing. It keeps us fresh.
Tradition is wonderful, EL, but only when it serves a purpose. Remember that change is inevitable if we are authentically living the lives in front of us, and that’s how you are living right now.
You’ve done a great job during the time leading up to and through your imperfect Christmas season. Give yourself grace and cherish your messy Christmas as unique and precious.
Helpful Tools:
Wetness indicator and alert to help manage incontinence with dignity. SenecaSense Home: Discreet Support That Restores Comfort and Confidence
Discover the Difference. EGOSAN: The premium incontinence brand caregivers love: They save work! Now Available on Amazon.
Stay connected with Memoryboard: Designed by caregivers. Memoryboard helps families share reminders, messages, updates, and photos on an easy-to-use screen designed for people with dementia. Peace of mind for families, independence for loved ones.
Leslie Kernisan, MD, MPH, has opened up support! View two free caregiving webinars that can help you help your older parents (and yourself).
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories: “…This book is for all of us; let it help you cope! Thank you to the author and everyone she spoke with!” …Dolores
