How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Aging Parents
The first call of the day from your mom, you can handle.
“Oh, hi, Mom. Yes, it’s a very pretty day. Maybe you should walk down the hall to see Marian?”
You chat awhile and then say, “I love you, too. Bye.”
Five minutes pass. You answer the ringing phone again.
“Hey, Mom. Yes, it is a pretty day. Are you going to see Marian like I suggested when you called earlier?” (This seems polite and gentle.) “Yeah, you did call earlier. It’s okay; you just forgot. Love you. Bye.”
Six minutes later, the phone rings yet again. You check the caller ID and decide to ignore it. The rule of three has kicked in. You know Mom is alright because you’ve already spoken (twice). She has heard your voice. It’s okay to ignore the call, but you still feel guilty.
Why Do Aging Parents Make Us Feel Guilty?
Get used to it—the guilt, I mean. The incessant phone call thing was just one of the many games I had to play as a dementia caregiver. When my mother would ring the first time, I’d answer, chat, and see how she was doing. The second time, I’d gently try to let her know that she had just called. The third time, well, sometimes it just seemed better for me to ignore it. I knew she would be embarrassed (or think I was lying, depending on the day) if I told her she’d called me three times in the last 15 minutes. It seemed kinder to just not answer the phone and let her forget that she called.
It is so hard to see our parents get older. As they become more physically and/or cognitively challenged, it’s only natural to wish we could take away their struggles. We can offer love and support. We can do our best to anticipate and meet their needs. But we can’t take away the discomfort and indignities that come with aging. Family caregivers tend to be empathetic individuals, so seeing those we love decline pains us deeply. We feel we should do something—anything—to help, but our powerlessness results in unearned guilt.
Guilt does serve a purpose in life. If we are mean, then we should feel guilty. If we owe someone an apology, then we should be mature enough to extend one. But guilt is a complicated emotion. As family caregivers, we take on the expectations of our culture, our religion, our family. And then we take on the expectations of our toughest critic: ourselves. Negative thinking can easily become a damaging habit for stressed caregivers. Many of us wind up emotionally overwhelmed and feeling that we’re not doing this caregiving thing well enough. If we were “good” people, we’d just keep answering the phone endlessly until Mom found something else to do.
Much of this guilt is self-imposed, but there are instances where care recipients use their caregivers’ compassion to their advantage. Elderly parents are especially notorious for sending their adult children on guilt trips to get what they want when and how they want it. Although it comes from external sources, this is still a type of undeserved guilt that must be overcome. It, too, can run family caregivers down, contributing to feelings of anxiety, depression, and burnout. In these cases, setting boundaries is crucial for a caregiver’s well-being.
Failing to prioritize self-care is already a widespread problem for family caregivers—even those who don’t have issues with irrational guilt. On the rare occasion that we put our own…
Helpful Tools:
Stay connected with Memoryboard: Designed by caregivers. Memoryboard helps families share reminders, messages, updates, and photos on an easy-to-use screen designed for people with dementia. Peace of mind for families, independence for loved ones.
Leslie Kernisan, MD, MPH, has opened up support! View two free caregiving webinars that can help you help your older parents (and yourself).
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Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories: “…This book is for all of us; let it help you cope! Thank you to the author and everyone she spoke with!” …Dolores
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