Hindsight Can Be a Blessing or a Curse for Caregivers
They say hindsight is 20/20. But things from the past that may seem “clear” to you now can still be distorted by difficult emotions – especially when it comes to something as impactful as caregiving. Now that you have some experience under your belt, imagine that you could go back in time. What would you say to your novice self about how to be a caregiver?
As a seasoned caregiver myself, I can choose to ruminate over my perceived failures, or I can choose to forgive myself for being imperfect and recognize that I did the best I could at the time. You have the same choice.
Much like an adult who realizes they have a “wounded child” living inside – a child who suffers from unearned guilt or low self-esteem because of life events – many adult caregivers are burdened with regrets and remorse from their caregiving years long after this role ends. They spend precious time thinking about how they should have understood someone’s needs better, could have been more patient or would have done any number of things better if only they knew then what they know now.
The very people who take on caregiving roles are often the most sensitive to others’ needs. Caregivers take on responsibilities for others in an attempt to improve their health, happiness, and well-being. But, let’s face it. Whatever we do as caregivers seems to be wrong in the eyes of some on-lookers. The critics are generally people without all of the facts and often people who could never do what we have done. Still, we are sensitive to their judgment.
We can certainly decide not to be bothered by this criticism. The problem is, that we’re often unaware that we judge ourselves even more harshly and against much higher standards. This is particularly true in retrospect. The passage of time lends valuable perspective to life’s events, but we don’t always use this gift in the most constructive ways. Instead, we look back and beat ourselves up for slips (whether real or imagined) despite knowing that we were still learning the ropes, stressed out, and/or spread too thin to do much better.
Countless members of the Caregiver Forum have expressed regrets and disappointment in how they handled aspects of their loved ones’ care. A common refrain is “I wish I had known/done/said…” or even “I wish I hadn’t…” However, in sharing these trials and tribulations, many are overlooking a few of their glaring successes as caregivers. Simply being here reading this article on AgingCare.com probably means you took to the internet one day in search of information on elder care and caregiver support. Educating yourself…
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. “For anyone having to walk the last segments of life with a loved one, read this.” …Delores
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