When One Parent Dies the Other Often Needs a Long-Term Care Plan
Long-term marriages generally evolve into a support system so efficient that even adult children hardly notice changes in their parents. If Dad’s hearing is poor, Mom becomes his ears. If Mom’s arthritis is bad, Dad becomes her muscle. If one of them has memory loss, the other fills in the gaps so smoothly that it’s barely noticeable to onlookers.
Then, either Mom or Dad dies. The person remaining suddenly is more frail and needy than anyone would have expected. The surviving spouse is suffering the loss of their life partner, a shock from which they may never completely recover. Also, the person who filled in the gaps is gone, and those gaps can suddenly look like chasms.
Adult children to the rescue
Naturally, adult children of a couple such as the one described above would expect the surviving parent to go through the grief process and need a lot of comfort and care for awhile. However, more often than many would expect, that comfort and care morphs into long-term care needs.
The frailty of the surviving parent becomes a stark reality. The double whammy for grieving adult children may be that the funeral of one parent becomes a time for planning for the care of the surviving parent.
Go slow and don’t make snap decisions that can’t be undone
The death of a parent is tough, whether it’s sudden or a long time coming. The advantage of a slower death is that there may have been more time to prepare, however human nature being what is, often people don’t use that time well. Of course, a sudden death can throw everyone back by the very nature of the shock. Either way, unless there is a solid reason to do otherwise, it’s generally unwise to make changes too quickly, if they can’t easily be undone.
Change of residence: It’s easy to say, “Dad, you’ll live with me now.” But is that really the best, long-term solution or is the offer coming out of your emotional shock?
Removing belongings: There’s a lot of emotion involved in cleaning out the belongings of someone who has died. Give your parent time to grieve. Give yourself time to grieve. Decide together, after some time has passed, how to deal with…
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Leslie Kernisan, MD, MPH, has opened up support! View two free caregiving webinars that can help you help your older parents (and yourself).
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories: “…This book is for all of us; let it help you cope! Thank you to the author and everyone she spoke with!” …Dolores
