Helping vs. Enabling: How to Strike a Balance While Caregiving

Most family caregivers want what is best for their loved ones, and they’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen. Unfortunately, discerning what’s best for a senior is often easier said than done. In many cases, a loved one’s own desires (or demands) may actually jeopardize their health, erode their independence and diminish their quality of life. Caregivers are left to walk this thin line between helping care recipients just enough and enabling bad behaviors that may come back to bite both parties.

Care decisions are hard enough as it is, but how do you know when you’re enabling an elderly loved one to slide by the easy way as opposed to helping them out with something they truly need? The truth is, it’s rarely an easy call, and the answer may differ on any given day.

I watched my mom struggle with painful arthritis in every joint. She had undergone two hip replacements already and with every step she took, her knees rubbed bone against bone. Sometimes, watching her struggle with her walker tore at my heart so much that I couldn’t help but insist that she let me get her into her wheelchair.

Yet, we both knew that if she didn’t move, her joint pain would only worsen. Arthritis can freeze the joints so that movement gradually becomes almost impossible. This is one of many examples of “use it or lose it” that comes with getting older. Knowing this, I tried to rein in my tendency to be overly helpful. I attempted to encourage Mom to do what she could while still being available to help when she needed me to.

Other family caregivers are likely to find themselves in situations like mine and even some more conflicting circumstances. I’ve cared for several elders over the years and encountered my share of challenges. Below, I address two relatively common dilemmas that cause family caregivers a great deal of grief. Keep in mind that every family and caregiving situation is unique, and toeing the line between assisting and enabling a love one can involve many different things.

Handling an Elder Who Wants Everything Done for Them

Some seniors adamantly refuse to accept help from anyone even when they really need it. This poses a whole other set of challenges. Other older adults, however, take the opposite approach. They aim to retire from life and let their relatives handle all of their affairs. Some even expect their caregivers to be available at all times to satisfy their every need.

How do you handle elders like this? Well, it depends on the reasons behind this behavior. In some cases, caregivers step in to lend a hand after an elder has a health scare or an accident. Even if they aren’t in terrible shape, we caregivers tend to nurture and sometimes coddle our…

Helpful Tools:

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Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories: “…This book is for all of us; let it help you cope! Thank you to the author and everyone she spoke with!” …Dolores