Compassionate Dementia Care Means Avoiding Harsh, Literal Truth
Dear Carol: I understand that people with dementia who tell outrageous stories aren’t really lying. It’s got to be horrible to feel so disconnected that our brain needs to fill in the blanks. But due to my harsh upbringing, I struggle because I feel like I’ll be punished even when I try to bend the truth in the name of compassion. An example: My dad talks about all his bravery during the Vietnam War, yet I know he had an office job. Office jobs are necessary, and shouldn’t be put down, but they rarely require unusual physical bravery. Still, I try to validate his bravery to make him feel understood. Other stories are mundane, and some are sad, but they all present the need to choose between cruelty and compassion. I choose to be kind, but how does someone with a history like mine stop emotionally flinching when I bend the truth? – GK
Dear GK: I’m sorry your childhood was so harsh. Your insight is admirable, and your compassion is more than many would exhibit. You may never feel completely comfortable with this aspect of compassionate dementia care, but once you can do it without patronizing him, you’ll see results that will convince you. What you are referring to is called therapeutic fibbing, often called “fiblets.” I don’t like either term because they…
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