How to Talk to the Doctor About Your Elderly Parent or Spouse
A frequent problem expressed among family caregivers is that their aging loved ones aren’t honest with their doctors. At home, they may gripe about intense pain, struggle to complete activities of daily living (ADLs) independently, or exhibit memory problems that lead to unfair accusations, but the moment they sit down in a doctor’s office, a change occurs. Like an actor on stage, the patient becomes animated and charming and has no complaints to report to their physician. What gives?
A Caregiver’s Experience With “Showtiming”
My mom was a supreme example. She fell in her apartment on a weekly basis and had memory problems. She was taken advantage of by unscrupulous telemarketers and suffered from digestive issues. However, whenever I took her to the doctor, all her hardships disappeared. What I called her “hostess personality” took over as soon as we would arrive at the office. While she may have complained of arthritis pain in the car on the drive there, the minute she had a chance to tell her doctor how terrible she felt, she became perkiness personified.
I’m not alone, either. A while back, a friend of mine took her mother to the doctor because she suspected her mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. My friend sat dumbfounded as her mom charmed the socks off the doctor and seemed as quick as she had been 10 years earlier. Her mother denied having any health issues, especially those associated with memory. The doctor was too busy to run additional tests on someone who appeared to be “so sharp for her age,” so he signed off on some prescriptions and sent them on their way. My friend felt like banging her head against the wall.
Why Do Seniors Mislead Their Physicians?
While the reasons for a senior not being honest with their doctor are often multifaceted and difficult to pinpoint, fear, denial and a phenomenon called “showtiming” are usually to blame.
Fear
One reason our elders put on such a show for medical professionals is because they are afraid. They don’t want to face the reality of a bad check-up or a new diagnosis for many reasons. Hearing that one has heart disease, cancer, Parkinson’s disease or some form of dementia is devastating enough. But one of the most frightening consequences of such a diagnosis is a looming loss of independence. So, they put on their company manners, fail to…
Discover the Difference. EGOSAN: The premium incontinence brand caregivers love – Now Available on Amazon.
Support a caregiver or jump-start discussion in support groups with real stories – for bulk orders of Minding Our Elders e-mail Carol Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.
An inspiring read for caregivers! Minding Our Elders is a series of stories about caregiving. But it is much more than that. It’s a book that helps us view aging and community through the lens of someone well versed in eldercare. Author Carol Bradley Bursack has been a caregiver for a neighbor and six elderly members of her family. These experiences made her the perfect person to interview and share the stories of friends and acquaintances. Through crisp writing and a sharp focus, we enter the lives of those struggling to care for loved ones with dementia and other age-related illnesses. As I read Minding Our Elders, I felt myself filling up with both appreciation and admiration for those who adopt the caregiving role. In addition, I was struck with the inherent value Carol sees in our elders. This is a well-written book that will stir your heart! …Ann Campanella
