Helping vs. Enabling: How to Strike a Balance While Caregiving
Most family caregivers want what is best for their loved ones, and they’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen. Unfortunately, discerning what’s best for a senior is often easier said than done. In many cases, a loved one’s own desires (or demands) may actually jeopardize their health, erode their independence and diminish their quality of life. Caregivers are left to walk this thin line between helping care recipients just enough and enabling bad behaviors that may come back to bite both parties.
Care decisions are hard enough as it is, but how do you know when you’re enabling an elderly loved one to slide by the easy way as opposed to helping them out with something they truly need? The truth is, it’s rarely an easy call, and the answer may differ on any given day.
I watched my mom struggle with painful arthritis in every joint. She had undergone two hip replacements already and with every step she took, her knees rubbed bone against bone. Sometimes, watching her struggle with her walker tore at my heart so much that I couldn’t help but insist that she let me get her into her wheelchair.
Yet, we both knew that if she didn’t move, her joint pain would only worsen. Arthritis can freeze the joints so that movement gradually becomes almost impossible. This is one of many examples of “use it or lose it” that comes with getting older. Knowing this, I tried to rein in my tendency to be overly helpful. I attempted to encourage Mom to do what she could while still being available to help when she needed me to.
Other family caregivers are likely to find themselves in situations like mine and even some more conflicting circumstances. I’ve cared for several elders over the years and encountered my share of challenges. Below, I address two relatively common dilemmas that cause family caregivers a great deal of grief. Keep in mind that every family and caregiving situation is unique, and toeing the line between assisting and enabling a love one can involve many different things.
Handling an Elder Who Wants Everything Done for Them
Some seniors adamantly refuse to accept help from anyone even when they really need it. This poses a whole other set of challenges. Other older adults, however, take the opposite approach. They aim to retire from life and let their relatives handle all of their affairs. Some…
Continue reading on Agingcare for tips on how to determine if we are helping or enabling:
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“An inspiring read for caregivers! Minding Our Elders is a series of stories about caregiving. But it is much more than that. It’s a book that helps us view aging and community through the lens of someone well versed in eldercare. Author Carol Bradley Bursack has been a caregiver for a neighbor and six elderly members of her family. These experiences made her the perfect person to interview and share the stories of friends and acquaintances. Through crisp writing and a sharp focus, we enter the lives of those struggling to care for loved ones with dementia and other age-related illnesses. As I read Minding Our Elders, I felt myself filling up with both appreciation and admiration for those who adopt the caregiving role. In addition, I was struck with the inherent value Carol sees in our elders. This is a well-written book that will stir your heart!” …Ann C
