Father’s Day as a Caregiver: Remembering Dad Before Dementia
This Father’s Day, I’ll have fond memories of my dad, as will many caregivers and adult children. The juxtaposition of the past and present can make these memories bittersweet. But, remember that, regardless of what has happened to our parents as they age, they remain our parents.
Cognitive and physical decline do not take away their legacies as adults. We may have to provide care that many would consider demeaning, but, when this care is given out of love, it is never undignified. Part of caregiving with love is keeping in mind that this person is our parent, the person who raised us. Respect and preservation of dignity are their due.
Reconciling the Past and Present When Caregiving
My father developed instant dementia due to a failed brain surgery. The irony was that this surgery was supposed to correct the results of a World War II brain injury and prevent the possibility of dementia.
This abrupt change was devastating to my family and very difficult for us to accept. One day he was my dad. He was growing older and frailer, of course, but he was still Dad. After he came out of surgery, he was a man plagued by paranoia and hallucinations; a man who had no way of differentiating between our reality and the warped version his brain created.
A new aspect of his personality had surfaced after the surgery, and we came to call this part of him “Herman.” Sometimes, we could coax Dad away from frightening thoughts by convincing him that Herman was responsible. Mostly we couldn’t, but this technique helped my family and me reconcile the old Dad with the new one. Dad was still present no matter what; he just exhibited some new thoughts and behaviors that were entirely out of his control.
Remember How Your Aging Parent Used to Be
It is challenging to cope with the ways age, illness, and caregiving alter our relationships, especially those between adult children and their parents. Many refer to it as a role reversal, but this is not a dignified way of framing these changes. So, how do we keep our attitudes straight when we are caring for a parent? We must remember that Dad (and this applies to Mom, too) was and continues to be our parent, no matter what ailments befall him or what caregiving duties we perform for him.
Dwelling on the past is not healthy but allowing it to inform how you think about and interact with your aging parents can help ensure the care you provide is infused with dignity and respect.
How to Preserve an Older Adult’s Dignity while Caregiving
Use some of the following tips to maintain this balance. Again, these suggestions can be applied to any care recipient you struggle to sustain a relationship with due to physical and/or mental changes…
Helpful Tools:
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.“I hold onto your book as a life preserver and am reading it slowly on purpose…I don’t want it to end.” …Craig William Dayton, Film Composer
Stay connected with Memoryboard: Designed by caregivers. Memoryboard helps families share reminders, messages, updates, and photos on an easy-to-use screen designed for people with dementia. Peace of mind for families, independence for loved ones.
Leslie Kernisan, MD, MPH, has opened up support! View two free caregiving webinars that can help you help your older parents (and yourself).
Discover the Difference. EGOSAN: The premium incontinence brand caregivers love: They save work! Now Available on Amazon.
