Multigenerational Households: The Ins and Outs of In-law Suites
When I was a teenager, my parents had a new home specifically built with separate quarters so my grandmother could live with us and still maintain her privacy. For us, it was simply a decision that would allow Grandma to move in—nothing newsworthy at the time.
Nowadays, with our tendency to label trends, sociologists would call my family’s arrangement “multigenerational living,” and Grandma’s special living area would be considered a “mother-in-law suite” or “mother-in-law apartment.” Research conducted by Generations United found that 26 percent of Americans lived in a household with three or more generations in 2021.
A growing number of families are embracing this trend, especially as an alternative to independent or assisted living facilities for their aging relatives. In this era of supersizing, some intergenerational living arrangements even involve smaller detached homes on the same property as the family abode.
There are both advantages and disadvantages of multigenerational households for seniors and adult children alike, so this is not an arrangement that should be entered into lightly. It’s crucial to do some research and have honest discussions with all family members involved before making a move to a larger home or building an addition for Mom or Dad.
Setting Expectations for a Multigenerational Household
Kathryn Watson, founder of Find Houston Senior Care and author of “Help! My Parents Are Aging,” says that living with aging parents should only be agreed to after thinking it through. Many families are drawn to the premise of helping their parents or in-laws age in place but don’t actually know how to live in a multigenerational home. She encourages families who are considering intergenerational living to ask themselves the following questions:
What do you envision sharing a home with your parent(s) would be like?
What does your parent envision for this living arrangement?
Do your expectations match up, overlap, or differ greatly?
Family expectations can vary widely, so it’s important to ensure everyone is on the same page early on to prevent tension, disagreements, and even regrets.
“If Mom is thinking you are all going to have dinner around the table each night and that does not fit into your lifestyle, you both need to be aware of that fact,” Watson urges
Consulting with an objective third party, such as a senior housing advisor or a geriatric care manager (also referred to as an Aging Life Care Professional), is an excellent step for helping everyone think through the whole concept. Even having the third-party interview with each person separately about their expectations for this new arrangement can be very revealing. If it is determined that living under the same roof might not be the best idea, this third party can then suggest other alternatives.
“Putting all these expectations out on the table can help you work together to decide if this is a viable option and will allow you to find common ground and set boundaries early on,” Watson advises.
Expect the Unexpected: It’s difficult to plan for something one doesn’t fully understand. Most adult children haven’t lived with their parents in many years, aren’t familiar with the challenges their parents face on a daily basis, and have never had firsthand caregiving experience. Surprises (usually unpleasant ones) abound when a family moves in together without doing some research and…
Helpful Tools:
Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.“I hold onto your book as a life preserver and am reading it slowly on purpose…I don’t want it to end.” …Craig William Dayton, Film Composer
Stay connected with Memoryboard: Designed by caregivers. Memoryboard helps families share reminders, messages, updates, and photos on an easy-to-use screen designed for people with dementia. Peace of mind for families, independence for loved ones.
Wetness indicator and alert to help manage incontinence with dignity. SenecaSense Home: Discreet Support That Restores Comfort and Confidence
Leslie Kernisan, MD, MPH, has opened up support! View two free caregiving webinars that can help you help your older parents (and yourself).
Discover the Difference. EGOSAN: The premium incontinence brand caregivers love: They save work! Now Available on Amazon.
